Stage 3 - Understanding – Aligning Your Parts of Self and Addressing Psychological Processes

Understanding: Why We Think, Feel, and Behave the Way We Do

Have you ever said, “Part of me thinks this way, but part of me thinks another”? Or have you ever experienced one day where a task is simple and effortless, while on another day the very same task feels overwhelming or even intolerable?

These experiences resonate deeply with me—and they form the bulk of the work I do with clients. We often feel these internal conflicts, but we don’t always understand where they come from or how to resolve them. This is where Understanding comes in—the next step in the Process of Change.

This phase is all about getting clear on the parts of yourself that are sometimes in harmony, but often in conflict, and uncovering the psychological processes that keep you stuck. By understanding the way your mind works, you can start to bring these parts into alignment, so you can approach life with a clearer, calmer, and more balanced mindset.

Parts of Self: The Key to Understanding Internal Conflict

At the heart of the Understanding phase is the concept of the Parts of Self—the different parts of you that have developed throughout your life to help you navigate the world. These parts are always trying to help, but sometimes they end up working against each other, causing internal conflict and distress.

• Future/Ideal Self: This is the part of you that’s focused on your goals, aspirations, and ideals. It’s logical, forward-thinking, and sets high standards for what you want to achieve. This part often pushes you to be better and do more, but it can also be overly demanding, making you feel like you’re constantly falling short.

• Current/Actual Self: This is the part of you that reflects where you are right now. It’s shaped by your experiences, emotions, and beliefs—especially your negative core beliefs. The Current/Actual Self can feel overwhelmed or held back by these beliefs, creating friction with the Future/Ideal Self.

• Protective/Aversive Self: This is the part of you that’s focused on keeping you safe. It’s responsible for triggering protective emotions like fear, shame, or anger when it senses a threat—even if that threat is just the discomfort of change. While the Protective/Aversive Self is essential for survival, it can become overactive, making you avoid challenges and stick to old patterns that no longer serve you.

In this phase, you’ll learn to recognise these parts and understand how they interact with each other. By bringing them into balance, you can resolve the internal conflicts that keep you stuck and move forward with greater clarity and purpose.

Psychological Processes of Distress: Uncovering the Patterns that Hold You Back

In addition to understanding your Parts of Self, this phase also involves recognising the psychological processes that contribute to your distress. These processes are patterns of thinking and behaviour that have developed over time, often as a way to cope with difficult experiences. However, they can become maladaptive, keeping you trapped in cycles of negativity, avoidance, or self-sabotage.

Some of the key psychological processes you’ll explore in this phase include:

• Polar Opposite Thought Patterns: Have you ever noticed that your mind can swing between extremes? One moment you might feel confident and capable, and the next you’re overwhelmed with doubt and fear. This polarised thinking creates internal conflict, making it difficult to move forward with consistency.

• Overused Positive Attributes: Many of us have attributes we pride ourselves on—like being kind, caring, or hardworking. But when these attributes are overused, they can become a burden. For example, always putting others first can lead to neglecting your own needs, creating feelings of resentment or burnout.

• Repressed Self: Sometimes, we push parts of ourselves down because they’re too painful or difficult to face. These repressed parts can hold onto negative core beliefs and unresolved emotions, which continue to influence our thoughts and behaviours, even if we’re not fully aware of them.

By identifying these processes and understanding how they affect your thoughts, emotions, and actions, you can begin to shift them. This is the first step in breaking free from old patterns and creating new, healthier ways of thinking and being.

Why Understanding is Crucial for Lasting Change

The Understanding phase is about more than just insight—it’s about creating the foundation for meaningful, lasting change. Without understanding the parts of yourself that are in conflict and the psychological processes that are driving your distress, it’s nearly impossible to make real progress. You’ll find yourself repeating the same patterns, feeling stuck, and unable to move forward.

But when you develop a deep understanding of how your mind works—when you can clearly see the internal dynamics at play—you gain the power to change them. You learn to work with your mind, rather than against it, making it much easier to take consistent, intentional action toward your goals.

In the next phase, Managing, we’ll explore how to take what you’ve learned in the Understanding phase and apply it to your daily life. You’ll learn how to create alignment between your Parts of Self, manage the psychological processes of distress, and build a strong foundation for sustainable change.